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When he looks at me it’s like I’m the only one he ever thinks about, but I know deep down that is not the case. He strolls over to the bed and slides into be next to me, getting comfortable by putting his hands under his head. As he shifts one leg out of the covers I move over and lay my head on his shoulder. Resting my hand on his chest while I tangle my legs in to him, I look up at his face. That’s when my head decides to chime in again. It’s always me embracing him. I’m always the one to initiate contact if it’s non-sexual. Even now, when I am wrapped around him, his hands are away. I feel as if I’m still banging on the wall surrounding him, begging to be let in. Can he not see that my heart is in those hands he keeps away from me? That my mind is ruled by him every time he is around me? I watch him with a restless mind. His eyes are closed and his breathing is even, which tells me that he is sleeping. I reach up and caress his cheek, smiling sadly as I understand what my heart. Many times I would praythat when I woke up, I would be a girl and all that I had gone thru wasjust a very bad dream. But it never happened.I wanted to be a girl so badly that I would hide magazines for teen agedgirls in my backpack to read after I was supposed to be in bed andasleep. Amy would let me borrow hers and then we would spend time talkingabout the latest boy band, fashion, makeup, and later on, dating.When I was about 13 and spending the night with Amy (once again both ourparents were out of town), she asked me if I had ever kissed anyone otherthan a relative. I blushed and told her no. Then I asked her. To mysurprise she said that she had. In fact she had even had sex with a boyonce.Of course I was very interested and wanted her to tell me all about it. Iwanted to know things like who the boy was and where had it happened. AndI even wanted to know what it was like for her.She told me the boy was Matt from math class. He had come to her houseone day while her parents were.
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